Whip it! Whip it good!

Dear Scold

You have been referred to me as being a preeminent marriage counselor.

I have an on-going problem with my three wives. I bought each of them the same niquab in a lovely shade of Camel Dung Brown, which is just the most "in" color this year. Wife number 1 complained that she had seniority and didn't want to wear the same outfit as #2 and #3. Wife #1 has only borne me girls, whereas wife #2 gave me my first boy. To make them all happy, I bought #2 a nice Hamas Green niquab and #3 who is still barren, an off white one. Wife #1 is complaining now that the Camel Dung Brown doesn't match her eyes, which are a lovely hazelnut, and that her friends will ridicule her for poor taste in dress. No one is carrying hazelnut niquabs this year. The dress consultants say the color is passé. My brother hasn't had a chance to pull the cord on his suicide vest yet, so black niquabs, the universal color, is still a no-no.

You should hear them bitch walking 20 feet behind me when we go out. My friends are starting to whisper that I have become too accommodating and that soon I'll let them out with just a skimpy hijab. I try to be fair, but I can't seem to win.

Praying ten times daily for your divine guidance,

Bitched Out
Damascus Street
Detroit, MI

Dear Bitched Out,

How do you say "whipped" in Arabic? Does Surah 6-34 ring a bell? Allah made you stronger than women and placed you over them. Try to remember this and act accordingly in the future.

Easy solution: Tie the cord on your brother's vest to a fifty dollar bill and point the wives at it. If you have any wives left afterwards, buy them black hijabs. A few "light" beatings (Surah 6-34 again) wouldn't be out of place, either.

Ta.

The Scold
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