A rose by any other name would still look as wrinkled

Dear Scold,

I am a women who received sexual reassignment surgery a short while ago and I'm so totally horrified with the results. I thought my new female parts would look like a rose blossom unfolding, but my last girlfriend said my hoo-hoo looks like a bulldog that has been eating custard! She's right. It's so ugly that even *I* don't want to play with it!

I went to a really famous plastic surgeon here in Ontario to see if he could make my hoo-hoo look more like the beautiful rose it's supposed to be, but he said he couldn't help me. Some sort of crap about how he had never worked on a sex change patient before and that he could make things worse if he tried.

It can't get any worse and I want him to FIX IT. He's famous and he's the only one who can do this! How can I make him fix me? I'm so sick of looking at my hoo-hoo in the mirror and thinking, "oh gawd, it's panting again!"

Please help!

Waiting to Blossom in Ontario

Dear Blossom,

I think things about to get worse for your famous doctor. He apparently hasn't read the Ontario Human Rights Comission's Policy and Guidelines on Disability and the Duty to Accommodate. This policy makes it against the law to discriminate against someone on the basis of disability and/or sex, and the defintion of "sex" includes gender expression. Specifically:

"Every person has a right to equal treatment with respect to services, goods and facilities, without discrimination because of race, ancestry, place of origin, colour, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, family status or disability."

This surgeon's refusal to accommodate your needs is a blatant violation of the Ontario Human Rights Act. You must needs file a complaint against this intolerant bigot at once. I'm sure once it goes before the tribunal he'll be ordered to perform the surgery on you.

Now, I'm not sure I'd want a hateful bigot who is mad at me for costing him tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees playing with my naughty bits while I'm under anesthetic, lest they wind up looking like something from a William Blake painting. I'd suggest you ask for enough in damages for the obvious anguish you've suffered to fly to Cuba (Michael Moore says they have the best health care) and get it done there instead.

You'll get your surgery in one of the best countries in the world, a beautiful new hoo-hoo, some extra pocket money for your emotional anguish, and you get to slap down a hateful bigot of a doctor who is too full of himself to keep abreast of exciting new surgical techniques like sexual reassignment and repairing complications arising from it.

Do let me know how it turns out for you, dear.

Ta.

The Scold
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