There goes the neighborhood

Dear Chord

I moved my family and purchased a new home in an exclusive community to get away from the riff-raff and to have a large enough driveway for the six minivans. Shortly afterwards, a Christian family moved in down the street. You know the old saying: "Let one in and there goes the neighbourhood!". Sure enough a few more Christian families moved in. They are now talking about building a church. The community is now worried about our falling property values, our children's safety, and singing on Sunday mornings. Our Council representative is suggesting we levy a special tax on these people. Will this work?

Victim in Vaughn

Dear Victim,

You have my sympathies. Nobody wants people of that kind of morally questionable character contaminating their neighborhood. Fortunately, Christians are not only of below average intelligence, they're also extremely predictable. That means you need a...

...Gay Pride event! Drive some big pink floats down your street with Dipsy trussed up in a leather bondage harness and Tinky Winky flogging him with a big latex dildo, and, well, you can bet there'll be a righteous stampede right out of the old neighborhood. It's not like the Bible Thumpers can complain to the city about any of the lewd acts rolling past their front windows -- it's a given that the mayor will be the Parade Marshall. And if any of the Christians are stupid enough to complain, drag the dumb buggers before the provincial human rights commission for discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. They'll probably pay out so much in legal fees and damages that they'll lose their homes due to financial distress. Either way, your neighborhood will become a progressive, friendly place once more.

Please send me an update on how this all shakes out.

Ta.

The Scold
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