Cover your ass

Dear Scold

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. Her twelfth birthday is coming up soon and I'd like to buy her something special. I was thinking of a donkey. It would remind her of home and help carry the groceries those 6 miles back from the store. It will also help her get to know some of the local women who are like minded. Her feet are getting nicely calloused, so the bare foot walk should keep her in good health. My immigration consultant at the party tells me there are laws here in Canada, so I must buy the donkey locally. Can you recommend a reputable dealer in town? Also, can I claim the donkey as a dependent?

PS> If I decide to divorce her for a younger woman, who gets the donkey?

Praise-be-the-Ass

Dear, um, Ass,

If you married your wife outside of Canada in your country of origin, your marital arrangement should be acceptable. As an added bonus, your plural wives qualify for support under Ontario's assistance program so long as you can establish that you belong to the Islamic faith and that you're not some freaky renegade Mormon.

I believe your friend is correct that the donkey must needs be purchased locally. I cannot recommend a dealer for donkeys as all of the dealers I know deal in, erm, other substances. I'm sad to say that you cannot claim the donkey as a dependent, however. The only Canadian currently allowed to claim a donkey as a dependent is Aline Chrétien.

In the event of a divorce your wife gets to keep the donkey and pretty much anything else you own (this IS Canada, after all). I would recommend letting the donkey go and demanding at least two donkeys and a piece of real estate as dowry from the parents of the next preteen you're arranged to marry. This should compensate you for your losses.

My best wishes to your wife on her birthday!

Ta.

The Scold
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