Pig in a poke

Dear Scold:

We have expanded the pig farm business to have a restaurant along the highway frontage. The health inspector is threatening to shut it down. I have already taken the extraordinary steps of wiping my boots off before serving food, after I slop the pigs. The inspector now wants us to wash up going into the restaurant. The pigs don't like the smell of soap and are squealing something fierce. What should I do ?


Please advise,

Yours truly,

Knee Deep

Dear Knee Deep,

The washing up issue shouldn't be that much of a problem. Just tell the health inspector that you can't wash your hands because you have a skin condition. He'll get the message and back off immediately as non of them make enough to pay the kind of damages a human rights tribunal can award.

No, the more pressing issue is the pigs themselves. They're not halal. Given this country's shifting demographics, I would encourage you to embrace the future and buy a Church's Chicken franchise instead. There's no pork to be found on that menu, which means that your neck, er, business will be safe.

Ta.

The Scold
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