All you need is love

Dear Scold,

I am a married man whose marriage has lost its spark. My wife and I have been sleeping in separate beds for five years and the only reason we stay together is for the children.

I sort of started shopping around for another mate and wound up dating a much younger girl. We have an incredible chemistry, both in bed and out. The only problem is that I'm old enough to be her father. Well, actually, I AM her father (she's ten) and her mother didn't take the news well (I guess she doesn't like Woody Allen films). I'm currently in the remand center awaiting trial.

I can't bear being separated from my TRUE LOVE. Any suggestions on how to get through this mess and back into the arms of my sweetheart?

Sincerely,

The Pater Familias

Dear Pater Familias,

I'm very sorry to hear of your travails. Intergenerational love is certainly nothing to be ashamed of, our antiquated laws notwithstanding. I'm especially disappointed with your wife. Given how hard it is to find parents who are interested in spending time with their young, you'd think she'd be more understanding.

Anyhoo...

I think we have an exciting opportunity here to establish some new jurisprudence in this area. Remember how it used to be illegal for blacks and whites to marry? Then it was illegal for gays to marry? Heck, even though it's still technically illegal for a man to have multiple wives, if you live in Ontario and you belong to the Ummah, well, just pick up an assistance cheque for each. So the government really sort of approves.

I suggest you immediately have your lawyer file human rights complaints on your behalf against your wife and the police. The legal precedent has clearly been established that all you need is love if you're gay or Muslim, but a horrible bias is being demonstrated against intergenerational relationships. Your opponents may argue that children are too young to make decisions about sex, but then why are we teaching grade threes about fisting and punishing grade ones for sexual harrassment? Sex isn't a spectator sport. If they know what it is then they're ready for some action, and the government must think so or they wouldn't be doing all this.

I look forward to the inevitable successful ruling on your complaints. I think it's really exciting that we can use your misfortune to finally extend full rights to children and make them our equals.

Ta.

The Scold
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