We're not retreating. We're attacking in a different direction.

Dear Scold,

Me and a few of my law school cohorts had a term project go a bit wrong and now we are offering hunda to the Islamophobes at Macleans magazine.

Many of the Islamophobic bloggers are making fun of us and suggesting that we pay the costs of our CHRC complaint and appologize.

Is this not an insult to Islam?

Can we behead them?

Allah Akbar

Socky al Sockpuppet

(PS. We are only asking you because our Imam is hiding under the bed afraid that he will be the next victim of the Islamophobe Steyn next, how do you call it, show tune.)

Dear Socky,

A hudna is probably called for here. Attacking one of Canada's most popular publications was a bit far reaching and you've exposed our agenda more than we're comfortable with. Human rights legislation has been traditionally used to go after employers and marginalized individuals, which is why it has been so successful. Your rash actions have placed the needs of those cannot type, wash their hands, or get an easy labiaplasty at risk.

I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

The Scold says: back off on this one and let it rest for a while. Two years into the future, if political conditions are in your favor, consider ending the hudna with Macleans by descending upon them with a force of 10,000 men.

Ta.

The Scold
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Lending a hand

Dear Scold,

Earlier today, in good faith, I sent a question to you.

You have not answered it.

I have retained counsel.

You are in deep shit.

Love and rockets,

Whatever fake name I used earlier but cannot be arsed to look up at the moment

Dear Whatever,

I could not answer your e-mail because I have no hands. I lost them in a misunderstanding when I was on vacation in Saudi Arabia a few years ago. I can't answer e-mails unless the typist that the CHRC ordered my employer to provide for me is present.

I find your e-mail subjects me to the likelihood of being the object of derision and hatred based on my physical impairment. Please be advised that I have filed human rights complaints against you federally, in B.C., and also in Ontario. I'm going to nail your ass and use the damages I get from the pain and suffering you caused to hire a second fluffer.

Ta.

The Scold
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Pig in a poke

Dear Scold:

We have expanded the pig farm business to have a restaurant along the highway frontage. The health inspector is threatening to shut it down. I have already taken the extraordinary steps of wiping my boots off before serving food, after I slop the pigs. The inspector now wants us to wash up going into the restaurant. The pigs don't like the smell of soap and are squealing something fierce. What should I do ?


Please advise,

Yours truly,

Knee Deep

Dear Knee Deep,

The washing up issue shouldn't be that much of a problem. Just tell the health inspector that you can't wash your hands because you have a skin condition. He'll get the message and back off immediately as non of them make enough to pay the kind of damages a human rights tribunal can award.

No, the more pressing issue is the pigs themselves. They're not halal. Given this country's shifting demographics, I would encourage you to embrace the future and buy a Church's Chicken franchise instead. There's no pork to be found on that menu, which means that your neck, er, business will be safe.

Ta.

The Scold
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There goes the neighborhood

Dear Chord

I moved my family and purchased a new home in an exclusive community to get away from the riff-raff and to have a large enough driveway for the six minivans. Shortly afterwards, a Christian family moved in down the street. You know the old saying: "Let one in and there goes the neighbourhood!". Sure enough a few more Christian families moved in. They are now talking about building a church. The community is now worried about our falling property values, our children's safety, and singing on Sunday mornings. Our Council representative is suggesting we levy a special tax on these people. Will this work?

Victim in Vaughn

Dear Victim,

You have my sympathies. Nobody wants people of that kind of morally questionable character contaminating their neighborhood. Fortunately, Christians are not only of below average intelligence, they're also extremely predictable. That means you need a...

...Gay Pride event! Drive some big pink floats down your street with Dipsy trussed up in a leather bondage harness and Tinky Winky flogging him with a big latex dildo, and, well, you can bet there'll be a righteous stampede right out of the old neighborhood. It's not like the Bible Thumpers can complain to the city about any of the lewd acts rolling past their front windows -- it's a given that the mayor will be the Parade Marshall. And if any of the Christians are stupid enough to complain, drag the dumb buggers before the provincial human rights commission for discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. They'll probably pay out so much in legal fees and damages that they'll lose their homes due to financial distress. Either way, your neighborhood will become a progressive, friendly place once more.

Please send me an update on how this all shakes out.

Ta.

The Scold
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They're damaging my calm

Cher Scold,

A guy with a Jewish sounding last name publicly mocked my testimony before a human rights tribunal. I wasn't feeling well that day and don't see why I should be embarrassed in public over it. So I hit him with a SLAPP suit to shut him up. But he's not shutting up and more people are piling on me including a famous author with a Jewish sounding last name!

How do I shut these people up?!?

Giacomo

Dear Giacomo,

I'd like to answer your question, but I don’t feel very well. I feel dizzy, I feel anxiety, and I am not in a serene state of mind to proceed with this e-mail today. I have a lot of things worrying me right now and I don’t want to elaborate... I am not dying, Giacomo, I don’t have the flu, but I am not mentally capable of answering your question under these circumstances.

Ta.

The Scold
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All you need is love

Dear Scold,

I am a married man whose marriage has lost its spark. My wife and I have been sleeping in separate beds for five years and the only reason we stay together is for the children.

I sort of started shopping around for another mate and wound up dating a much younger girl. We have an incredible chemistry, both in bed and out. The only problem is that I'm old enough to be her father. Well, actually, I AM her father (she's ten) and her mother didn't take the news well (I guess she doesn't like Woody Allen films). I'm currently in the remand center awaiting trial.

I can't bear being separated from my TRUE LOVE. Any suggestions on how to get through this mess and back into the arms of my sweetheart?

Sincerely,

The Pater Familias

Dear Pater Familias,

I'm very sorry to hear of your travails. Intergenerational love is certainly nothing to be ashamed of, our antiquated laws notwithstanding. I'm especially disappointed with your wife. Given how hard it is to find parents who are interested in spending time with their young, you'd think she'd be more understanding.

Anyhoo...

I think we have an exciting opportunity here to establish some new jurisprudence in this area. Remember how it used to be illegal for blacks and whites to marry? Then it was illegal for gays to marry? Heck, even though it's still technically illegal for a man to have multiple wives, if you live in Ontario and you belong to the Ummah, well, just pick up an assistance cheque for each. So the government really sort of approves.

I suggest you immediately have your lawyer file human rights complaints on your behalf against your wife and the police. The legal precedent has clearly been established that all you need is love if you're gay or Muslim, but a horrible bias is being demonstrated against intergenerational relationships. Your opponents may argue that children are too young to make decisions about sex, but then why are we teaching grade threes about fisting and punishing grade ones for sexual harrassment? Sex isn't a spectator sport. If they know what it is then they're ready for some action, and the government must think so or they wouldn't be doing all this.

I look forward to the inevitable successful ruling on your complaints. I think it's really exciting that we can use your misfortune to finally extend full rights to children and make them our equals.

Ta.

The Scold
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The ultimate home business

Dear Scold

I'm in a quandary. I am a sales agent representing a number of large corporations. One of my customers is your government. During a meeting in a hotel room, I forgot a briefcase of cash as I became so excited about the potential sale of some planes. I never got the sale for the planes and I want to get my money back, but the guy now claims it was consulting fees for some spaghetti testing carnival. I am told I have to go to Germany and file my claim. I have made other commitments to invest in the new UN oil-for-grains-and-rice program, and need my money for key advertising and promotion. I am also in the process of quickly moving and consolidating my business operations to Bolivia. Germany just doesn't fit into my plans. Please help.

Grounded in Toronto

Dear Grounded,

This sounds like a rather onerous way to make a living. Why not just file human rights complaints like everyone else? All it takes is a bit of trolling on Web sites owned by people you don't like followed by five minutes of paperwork. You don't even have to show up during the process so it's the ultimate work from home job.

Given how easy and profitable this is, I can't understand why you'd go to all this effort of reclaiming money from your old business partner. Besides, the money is probably long gone. I bet he used it to buy more shoes for his wife.

Ta.

The Scold
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A stone's throw away

Dear Scold

My husband and I recent transferred to the middle east to work on a new CBC sitcom, called "Everybody Loves Sharia". Things have been going very well here and just recently we were invited to our first stoning. It's for a nice lady down the street. Hubby has been asked to do the video footage and we are very excited. My problem is that I haven't thrown anything really since my Berkley days in the 70's when we hurled eggs at the returning US imperials pig soldiers. Is slo-pitch acceptable or should I avoid the embarrassment of missing and serve baked sweets to the men instead ?

Yappin' in Yemen.

Dear Yappin',

Serving sweets sounds like a good plan, but make sure that your husband or another male relative is present when you interact with the other males at the stoning. Failure to do this could result in you inadvertently appearing in the follow-up episode with everyone else using you to practice slo-pitch.

Ta.

The Scold
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Hiding in plain sight

Dear Scold

I am a secret operative with my country's national defense. My job has been to provide intel on activities of the Enemies of the State. Recently, the blogspots have been blocked by our Human Resources people to shield us from all that hate speech.

Who am I supposed to investigate now? How can I post comments to evaluate potential thought crimes of the State's enemies? How will I investigate operatives from other departments who are posting on blogs? How will I investigate the best shopping deals on T-Shirts, these enemies are talking about? Is there a way government employees can access the internet without going through the department's IP router system? Is there a way I can hide my tracks ?

If I have to get up from my desk and go out and actually meet people, what is the proper protocol for padding my expense account?

Secretly,

[name cloaked]
Logged IP: 70.48.181.203

Dear Ms. Hechme,

The best way to circumvent the blogspot prohibition is to [redacted]. You'll find this [redacted] your routers and you [redacted] for [redacted]. Unsecured wireless access points are [redacted] when your notebook computer is properly configured.

Now, I would never advise padding one's government expense account. That's highly improper and gives the general public the wrong idea about civil servants. That being said, there's nothing technically wrong with supplementing your expense account with additional income. This best done by [redacted] Italian restaurants [redacted] brown paper envelopes. Please contact your local Liberal Party of Canada riding association if you need detailed instructions.

Ta.

The Scold
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Whip it! Whip it good!

Dear Scold

You have been referred to me as being a preeminent marriage counselor.

I have an on-going problem with my three wives. I bought each of them the same niquab in a lovely shade of Camel Dung Brown, which is just the most "in" color this year. Wife number 1 complained that she had seniority and didn't want to wear the same outfit as #2 and #3. Wife #1 has only borne me girls, whereas wife #2 gave me my first boy. To make them all happy, I bought #2 a nice Hamas Green niquab and #3 who is still barren, an off white one. Wife #1 is complaining now that the Camel Dung Brown doesn't match her eyes, which are a lovely hazelnut, and that her friends will ridicule her for poor taste in dress. No one is carrying hazelnut niquabs this year. The dress consultants say the color is passé. My brother hasn't had a chance to pull the cord on his suicide vest yet, so black niquabs, the universal color, is still a no-no.

You should hear them bitch walking 20 feet behind me when we go out. My friends are starting to whisper that I have become too accommodating and that soon I'll let them out with just a skimpy hijab. I try to be fair, but I can't seem to win.

Praying ten times daily for your divine guidance,

Bitched Out
Damascus Street
Detroit, MI

Dear Bitched Out,

How do you say "whipped" in Arabic? Does Surah 6-34 ring a bell? Allah made you stronger than women and placed you over them. Try to remember this and act accordingly in the future.

Easy solution: Tie the cord on your brother's vest to a fifty dollar bill and point the wives at it. If you have any wives left afterwards, buy them black hijabs. A few "light" beatings (Surah 6-34 again) wouldn't be out of place, either.

Ta.

The Scold
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Making the grade

Most knowledgeable Mr. Scold

My oldest son, Malik, is ready to enter higher learning. We sent him back home to stay with family while he earned his high school diploma. He has practiced every grade at least twice and we are proud of his preparation efforts. He has his heart set on a career in nuclear science. Malik has focused his studies on the number zero and can tell you more about it than any of the teachers that have tutored him so far. He uses analogies to demonstrate his theorems to assist the unbelievers in understanding. For example, he adds it just like the value he has contributed to this world; Mailk subtracts it just like his loss to the world would be; He multiplies it and demonstrates the net product he will give to science. Malik is still struggling a bit with the division analogy, but thinks he may trip over it some day.

With this kind of natural talent, shouldn't he consider a career teaching in the public school system?

Praise be upon your advice,

Sewer of Seeds in Loverna, Sask

Dear Seeds,

Your son definitely has the potential to become a public school teacher, but it's important to remember that public education has become a transgressive occupation where heteronormative peccadilloes such as "academic achievement" have (thankfully!) taken a back seat to an individual's minority credentials, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, and political affiliations.

When your son is applying for his first public teaching job please encourage him to emphasize the following in his resume and cover letter:

- LGBT/transgendered status
- Minority group affiliations
- Number of years as a member of the NDP/Green Party
- Languages spoken (MUST include French!)
- Skin colour
- Physical/mental/emotional disabilities (MUST have at least one)
- Notable experiences as a victim of the white male majority

The best of luck to your son in his job quest. I'm sure he'll continue his tradition of adding value wherever he goes.

Ta.

The Scold
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Cutting the cheese

Dear Scold,

I have bought a Halaal goat soup franchises for the county fair. The unveiled woman next to me is selling Danish cheese. Doesn't she have a duty to accomodate me and stop. If she doesn't, can I torch her car ?

Blessed Herdsman

Dear Herdsman,

I don't think you can file a human rights complaint against someone for being Danish here in Canada. Not yet, anyhow. I would chat her up and see if she has a Jewish sounding last name like "Levant" or "Steyn". If she does, fire up your fax machine. So far as I know it's considered perfectly acceptable to file any sort of human rights complaint -- no matter how groundless -- against people with Jewish sounding last names. This might make her stop selling her cheese next to you and is preferable to resorting to violence.

In the event violence becomes unavoidable for cultural or religious reasons, please don't torch her car unless you buy some carbon credits beforehand. Canada is doing a horrible job of meeting its Kyoto targets and the reckless release of more carbon into the Earth's atmosphere through an act of vandalism would only compound the issue. While I would NEVER suggest that one individual should harm another, and would indeed counsel you NOT to take this path, it should be noted that beheading someone is much less damaging to the environment than burning their vehicle.

Ta.

The Scold
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This too shall pass

Hey Scold,

You're advice sucks ass. I went back to teh boys washroom at the hockey rink and took more pictures with my camera phone. The parents caught me again.They beat me even worse than last time and stomped on my phone. When I told them I was looking for swastikas they knocked out a front tooth and made me eat my blackberry too.

I'm goona sue you're ass you prick!

Feeling like sh*t from hell in Agincourt

Dear Sh*t From Hell,

I can't tell you how badly I feel about this. What a horrible misunderstanding! Did you offer to call the Canadian Jewish Congress and get them to verify that you were hunting for Nazis with your cell phone camera in the boys washroom, or did your phone get smashed before you had a chance? I'm sure the whole incident could have been avoided if only you had been able to reach the CJC for independent verification of your brave efforts.

The blackberry is small and should pass within 12 to 16 hours. I'd recommend seeing a doctor if it doesn't. My condolences yet again for the pain you've suffered attempting to root out Nazi sympathizers. We KNOW they're out there!

Ta.

The Scold
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Cover your ass

Dear Scold

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. Her twelfth birthday is coming up soon and I'd like to buy her something special. I was thinking of a donkey. It would remind her of home and help carry the groceries those 6 miles back from the store. It will also help her get to know some of the local women who are like minded. Her feet are getting nicely calloused, so the bare foot walk should keep her in good health. My immigration consultant at the party tells me there are laws here in Canada, so I must buy the donkey locally. Can you recommend a reputable dealer in town? Also, can I claim the donkey as a dependent?

PS> If I decide to divorce her for a younger woman, who gets the donkey?

Praise-be-the-Ass

Dear, um, Ass,

If you married your wife outside of Canada in your country of origin, your marital arrangement should be acceptable. As an added bonus, your plural wives qualify for support under Ontario's assistance program so long as you can establish that you belong to the Islamic faith and that you're not some freaky renegade Mormon.

I believe your friend is correct that the donkey must needs be purchased locally. I cannot recommend a dealer for donkeys as all of the dealers I know deal in, erm, other substances. I'm sad to say that you cannot claim the donkey as a dependent, however. The only Canadian currently allowed to claim a donkey as a dependent is Aline Chrétien.

In the event of a divorce your wife gets to keep the donkey and pretty much anything else you own (this IS Canada, after all). I would recommend letting the donkey go and demanding at least two donkeys and a piece of real estate as dowry from the parents of the next preteen you're arranged to marry. This should compensate you for your losses.

My best wishes to your wife on her birthday!

Ta.

The Scold
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Dances with caplitalists

Dear Scold

I am a native indian who works, pays taxes, and own my own property. Lately other natives are upset at me because I tend not to blame the white man for all that is wrong, and I am too busy working to give my family a better living so I can't take part in protests and road occupations etc.

They get particularly angry when I tell them the reserve system is an outdated idea well past its best before date and needs to be abolished. One Chief even called me long distance from one of this conferences in Las Vegas to reprimand me.

I can't help it, this is the way my Dad taught me - is it his fault? But he's NOT white either!

thanks!

wondering who to blame...

Dear Wondering,

It makes me very sad to hear that you have turned your back on the rich cultural heritage you are descended from. Was your father victimized by a residential school? I see many once proud First Nations citizens who have been damaged by their "education" in these oppressive institutions, and who believe as you and your father do.

I can certainly sympathize with your chief and fellow Aboriginals. They simply wish for you to return to the ways of your ancestors. To be one with nature, to dance under the sun and the moon, to smoke the sacred herb, and to do all of the other really cool things that I've seen in movies like Pocahontas and Brother Bear. Can you blame them for being upset with you, for forsaking your place as a steward of the land and instead becoming a capitalist who despoils it?

This is not your fault -- this is the fault of the white man for tearing your father's culture away from him so that he could not raise you according to your heritage.

The Scold suggests: embark on a Spirit Journey to the sacred sands of Vulcan, Alberta, where you can have an Elder perform the ancient ritual of Kolinahr and help you discard the last vestiges of your capitalism. Only then can you return to your tribe and take your place as a responsible First Nations citizen on your reservation, mindful of your treaty rights and proud of upholding your cultural heritage, once again receiving your due in the form of financial compensation as an oppressed member of this country's Aboriginal community.

Have a big toke off the ol' "peace" pipe for me!

Ta.

The Scold
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Swords into cell phones

Dear Scold:

I was rooting through the closets of a recently departed relative looking for keep sakes and I came across his WWII Canadian forces service rifle. He had told us as kids many times how this rifle had defended our Nation against militant Nazism and saved his life and the lives of his comrades. In light of the recent discovery of the vast Nazi conspiracy in Canada, I thought this "nazi buster" would not only be a wonderful memento of my relative but a testament to this nation's original nazi "hunters".

The problem is I'm concerned with all the time, cost, bureaucratic mess and legal liabilities it now takes to be licenced to to own this gun legally.

Any advice?

Conflicted in Calgary

Dear Albertan Knuckle Dragger,

Real heroes don't need guns -- they quietly scout the washrooms and alleys of this great nation with camera phones at the ready looking for signs of the approaching Nazi hordes. Just be there with your camera where young boys hang out and you'll find Nazis, I guarantee it.

Now about that gun: have it destroyed. It's a symbol of imperialist oppression and all that's wrong with Canada these days. A gun is an instrument of murder, nothing more, nothing less, and certainly nothing to feel any pride in owning. Not that I expect an ignorant redneck like you to understand anything that I'm saying.

If you're not part of the solution you're probably an Albertan!

Ta.

The Scold
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I wash my hands of this

Dear Scold

I am preparing for court regarding a lawsuit I filed. I must appear in discoveries next week and defend my claim which is all over the map. The defendant's lawyers have sent me a long list of questions that I best not answer directly. Can I claim that "I don't recall" for all 157 questions? Or should I also vary my answer with "I don't remember"?

A friend of a friend of mine told me to say that the evidence I used originated with the defendant in the broadest sense of the word. I'm thinking I may want to object to the relevance of these questions as well.

What do you find works best?

Dodge Ducking

Dear Dodge,

I'm sad to say that Canada's archaic court system is nowhere near as progressive as your standard human rights tribunal and this approach will not work. Worse, it will work against you as you can be held in contempt of court if you refuse to answer questions as directed by the judge.

The best option is to dodge discovery on the grounds of severe illness. I recommend ordering takeout from the McDonalds at South West Marine Drive in Vancouver. Eat as much of it as often as you can during the trial. No lawyer wants to cross-examine a plaintiff who is projectile vomiting like Linda Blair, which is what will most likely happen if you follow my advice. Barring that, you could always flee to a non-extradition country.

Good luck with the court case!

Ta.

The Scold
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Freedom is Slavery

Dear Scold

At church last Sunday, we noticed that the Levictus passages were still in the bible. The Women's Auxiliary wants to know if they should cut these out now or wait until the government sends us a Section 13 VOID rubber stamp. If we use the stamp, what color ink is the best ? I am thinking blood red.

Snippily yours,

Heavenly Scissors

Dear Prole,

I'm afraid that matters have progressed well beyond the point of removing only sections of the document. The Bible as a whole promotes crimethink. Crimestop requires that you round up all of the contraband materials and ship them to Minitrue at once so they can be flushed down the memory holes at Guantanimo. Failure to do so will result in your being convicted of thoughtcrime and receiving "conditioning" in Room 101 before being declared an unperson. Please position yourself before your viewplate and verbally affirm your intention to comply with this directive.

Big Brother thanks you for your co-operation and promises that all of the destroyed units will promptly be replaced with Ingsoc approved Korans instead.

Ta.

The Scold
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Comrades in arms

Dear Scold

I just landed a great job as investigator with a secret government department. When I troll right wing Christian web sites do I put the "88" before or after my initials? In other words, should I use "88-S.S."; or "S.S. – 88" to sign my entrapment posts My boss told me to make it up as I go, but I want to be seen as professional and hope someday to make section team leader.

Please advise.

Nazdrovia,

Sammy Stalin

Dear Comrade,

The Scold is delighted to hear of your new employment opportunity! It must feel wonderful to know you now have direct influence into building a truly great nation! As to your question, don't worry about it too much. Most Christians are so stupid they can't salute Hitler properly, either. Just act like a Hitler fanboy, quote lots of Leviticus, slag non-white Canadian senators whenever possible, and you'll fit right in.

About that promotion you're after... To look professional it's important to:

1) Keep absolutely no records.

2) Use unsecured wireless access points whenever possible.

3) Be careful not to use access points too near your home or office.

4) Use sites like the-cloak.com or hidemyass.com if no unsecured WAPS are available.

5) Name all logins after comic book characters.

6) Use the proper terminology: It's not "entrapment" -- it's "pre-crime investigations".

Good luck with your new job!

Ta.

The Scold
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Only Trudeau can go to China

Dear Scold,

I am writing to you today for my friend. My friend is very distraught because he just got back from the Middle East where he single handedly negotiated a peace deal between Hamas and Israel and now at home his countrymen are basically calling him a 'traitor', a 'terrorist sympathizer' and an 'imbecile' after all he did.

Thse people are accusing my friend of hugging and kissing terrorists, laying a wreath at the grave of a great swindler and he thinks it's the knuckle draggers in his country who are propagating these falsehoods. The nerve of them. That's no way to treat an international statesman!

My firend has been following Canadian law and the blogs and was wondering, since Canada is plugged full of nazis and has very good laws to deal with them, including intervention by the state, if he could use our laws up here to destroy, or at the very least, to shut up his critics at home. Just wonderin'.

Awaiting your advice.

Desperate in the USA

Dear Desperate,

I'm sorry, but I can't been seen speaking to you in public. You're a Dirty American and proper Canadians don't acknowledge your imperialist, war-mongering, carbon spewing presence unless we need someone to blame something on. I could be called out on Warman Kinsella's blog for talking to you, so I can't say anything further.

My best regards to your brave friend.

Ta.

The Scold
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Just the fax, ma'am

Dear Scold,

I've been filing Section 13 CHRC complaints hot and heavy this past week, but they all keep getting rejected out of hand because my faxes have been arriving double-sided. I'm trying to get some action going on matters that I have identified as "likely to expose a person or persons to hatred or contempt by reason of the fact that that person or those persons are identifiable on the basis of a prohibited ground of discrimination". Can you help me change the bad setting in my fax machine so it will send single-sided faxes instead?

Respectfully,

Jay Currie

Dear Mr. KKKurrie,

What do you think I am, stupid? You actually want me to help you clutter the CHRC system with frivolous complaints that are made in BAD FAITH? Here's a suggestion for you, you rightard: have someone read the manual for your fax machine to you and maybe you two cryto-nazi geniuses can figure out it.

Up yours, bigot!

Ta.

The Scold
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I love Lucie!

Dear Scold

I was testifying against some white supremists before a CHRC tribunal a while back and I think I kind of might have sort of, um, accidentally committed some perjury regarding some of my "investigating". That and I think I sort of mixed up an exhibit or two as well, which is no big deal since they had the same content. I'm really nervous about this now -- what should I do?

Lucie from an unsecured WAP

Dear Lucie,

We all make mistakes, so try not to be to hard on yourself. Besides, *WE* own the media so it's not like you'll have to watch this on the six o'clock news. No, the worst that can happen is that some crackpot, rightard of a blogger will pick up on the story and you can always shut that loser up with a lawsuit or three. It's not like any of them have jobs or friends who will loan them money for a lawyer. The Scold says: don't worry about it.

Ta.

The Scold

p.s. Make sure you have the court reporters dismissed from any future CHRT hearings on this topic. No transcripts equals no headaches, nie?
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Cleanliness is next to godliness

dear scold,

last week i refuse drive to unveiled blind whore with dog animal. animal is not haram and must make wudu for taxi if i drive it. how stop kafir whores with animals from getting in taxi? this bitch whore make many complains to tv person. now have problem with boss who own taxi.

assalaam alaikum

muhammed

Dear Muhammed,

You certainly have my sympathies. In my view it was horribly inconsiderate of this woman to not consider the growing influence of the Ummah in Canada's community of taxi drivers. She should have notified that taxi company that she was accompanied by a guide dog so that they could dispatch a driver whose religious beliefs would not be crassly violated by the presence of the animal. The lady in question could easily have waited an additional five minutes for a different cab, but it's not like you can change your faith! Whatever happened to respect for people's religious beliefs?

I hope that this affair does not progress to a human rights complaint as it would clearly be a waste of a human rights tribunals limited resources and an insult to your worthy religion. Being blind does not preclude one from having a brain and the lady with the guide dog should have considered the possibility of being dispatched a Muslim driver before calling a cab. The onus is clearly on the guide dog owner to make alternative arrangements.

Ta.

The Scold
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Suck it up, buttercup

Dear Scold,

I drive a taxi for a living and I have a severe allergy to dogs. Every time I have to drive a blind customer with a guide dog, I break out in hives and my eyes water like you wouldn't believe. This happens within minutes of being exposed to the animal. What's worse is that this is a safety issue. The last time the sneezing started I almost swerved into the path of a semi-truck and trailer during one sneezing fit.

I don't want to discriminate against blind folks as they've already got a hard row to hoe, but I just don't see how it's safe for me to operate a vehicle when my dog allergy is going beserk and I can barely see where I'm going. What should I do?

Sneezy in Vancouver

Dear Sneezy,

While I realize that the BCHRC makes allowances for cab drivers with allergies to refuse services to guide dog owners, my own feeling is that this is inappropriate. Public services should be available to ALL and that is the social contract that you agreed to when you started offering your services as a cab driver. If, for any reason, you cannot offer these services equitably then, in my opinion, you have no business offering them.

The blind person cannot stop being blind -- they have no choice in the matter. There's nothing stopping you from changing to a different driving job, however, such as driving a truck or delivery vehicle where you are not exposed to dogs. This solution has the advantage of not triggering your allergy while still preserving the dignity of visually impaired individuals.

Please consider changing jobs.

Ta.

The Scold
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A rose by any other name would still look as wrinkled

Dear Scold,

I am a women who received sexual reassignment surgery a short while ago and I'm so totally horrified with the results. I thought my new female parts would look like a rose blossom unfolding, but my last girlfriend said my hoo-hoo looks like a bulldog that has been eating custard! She's right. It's so ugly that even *I* don't want to play with it!

I went to a really famous plastic surgeon here in Ontario to see if he could make my hoo-hoo look more like the beautiful rose it's supposed to be, but he said he couldn't help me. Some sort of crap about how he had never worked on a sex change patient before and that he could make things worse if he tried.

It can't get any worse and I want him to FIX IT. He's famous and he's the only one who can do this! How can I make him fix me? I'm so sick of looking at my hoo-hoo in the mirror and thinking, "oh gawd, it's panting again!"

Please help!

Waiting to Blossom in Ontario

Dear Blossom,

I think things about to get worse for your famous doctor. He apparently hasn't read the Ontario Human Rights Comission's Policy and Guidelines on Disability and the Duty to Accommodate. This policy makes it against the law to discriminate against someone on the basis of disability and/or sex, and the defintion of "sex" includes gender expression. Specifically:

"Every person has a right to equal treatment with respect to services, goods and facilities, without discrimination because of race, ancestry, place of origin, colour, ethnic origin, citizenship, creed, sex, sexual orientation, age, marital status, family status or disability."

This surgeon's refusal to accommodate your needs is a blatant violation of the Ontario Human Rights Act. You must needs file a complaint against this intolerant bigot at once. I'm sure once it goes before the tribunal he'll be ordered to perform the surgery on you.

Now, I'm not sure I'd want a hateful bigot who is mad at me for costing him tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees playing with my naughty bits while I'm under anesthetic, lest they wind up looking like something from a William Blake painting. I'd suggest you ask for enough in damages for the obvious anguish you've suffered to fly to Cuba (Michael Moore says they have the best health care) and get it done there instead.

You'll get your surgery in one of the best countries in the world, a beautiful new hoo-hoo, some extra pocket money for your emotional anguish, and you get to slap down a hateful bigot of a doctor who is too full of himself to keep abreast of exciting new surgical techniques like sexual reassignment and repairing complications arising from it.

Do let me know how it turns out for you, dear.

Ta.

The Scold
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I get the picture

Dear Scold,

I like hanging around the boys washrooms of hockey rinks with my cell phone camera to take pictures. A couple of parents caught me doing this and beat me up really bad. Now I'm afraid to go back and take more pictures, but I really want to. I'm all torn up inside. What should I do?

Unhappy Snapper in Agincourt

Dear Snapper,

Tell them you were only taking pictures of any swastikas you found scribbled in the boys washroom. I'm sure they'll understand and this will clear up any misconceptions.

Ta.

The Scold
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Sourpussy - wasn't that a Bond film?

Dear Sourpuss,

I have a co-worker who is not a nice man, and is a Muslim. He tells me that if I do not convert to Islam, that when Canada is ruled by Sharia law I will be among the first to be beheaded. I'm afraid of saying anything to the authorities because I will be accused of racism and bigotry.

I'm confused I thought you said people shouldn't force their religion on others? Would you do me a favor you dipshit? go look up "double standard" in the dictionary and get back to me when you grow a brain.

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

There is, um, no double standard. No, I don't like Christianity because Christians are always doing things like starting wars over oil, messing up my online access to the really good pr0n, and waking me up early on Saturday mornings by ringing my doorbell so they can hand me some stupid Chick comic about how I'll go to hell if I play D&D.

Now, Islam is the Religion of Peace, the way, the truth and the light. They don't ring my doorbell on Saturday mornings and wake me up (not sure how I'll deal with that call to prayer thing, though). Besides, they invented math. And, um, chess. Yeah. And I can take so many wives that I won't need to download pr0n any more (plus any of the wives who start to look like Libby Davies can be stoned and replaced). That, and I don't want to get beheaded. That can ruin your whole day.

I don't see any double standard, but I'm not a hateful Islamophobe like you so we lack a common frame of reference. Praise Allah for that! Now piss off before I file a human rights complaint against you, you bigot.

Ta.

Abu Mohammed ibn Scold
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Don't worry, be happy

dear scold,

a friend told me that my wireless router was unsecured and that i should lock it down before something bad happens and i get accused of doing something i didnt do. i tried to fix it, but this wep tkpi psk wpa stuff is majorly sucky and i dont get it. can you tell me how to put the handcuffs on this biznatch, or whatever?

tx meng

legz spread wide open in vancouver

Dear Legz,

Your friend is an alarmist, and an ill-informed one at that. Nothing bad has ever come from sharing your Internet connection with the whole world. Heck, WiFi is like corporate income tax: it's supposed to be shared. The Scold says: don't worry about it.

Ta.

The Scold
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Oh say can you see

Dear Scold,

Ever since I was a little kid I've dreamed of becoming a famous photographer. I've spent thousands of dollars on gear and I practice with it every day. The problem is that no one likes my work and none of the studios where I've applied for a job as an assistant will hire me. I think I'm being descriminated against because I"m blind (was born with macular degeneration and have practically no usable vision left).

All I want to do is follow my dreams!

Upset in Ontario

Dear Upset,

I'm heartbroken to hear of your plight. Have these people not heard of the likes of Helen Keller and Stephen Hawking who have produced great works and thoughts in spite of their debilitating problems?

My advice is to pay attention to government of Ontario job postings. The government regularly requires contract photographers and staff photographers to help them create marketing materials, particularly for tourism. Once you find these job postings, be sure to apply for the jobs via registered mail (so they can't claim they didn't receive your application), and also be sure to mention your visual impairment.

If these unenlightened bigots have the temerity to overlook the brilliance of the work you've submitted, you can take copies of your applications and the registered mail receipts to the Ontario Human Rights Commission and complain that you are being discriminated against on the basis of your disability. After all, it's not like you're applying to drive a bus or for some position where your disability would endanger other citizens, so there are no adequate grounds for not considering you for employment. Don't be surprised when the government is ordered to hire you by a human rights tribunal a year or two down the road and you get a large cash settlement to go with it.

Ta.

The Scold
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Dominoes delivers

dear scold,

while the flourishing "junkie community" here in ottawa appreciates the quarter million taxpayer dollars the dalton government has just placed at our disposal to acquire fresh new syringes for injecting heroin... we still have to go out daily, in all kinds of weather, to score our junk.

this strikes me as really unfair... after all, i'm kinda disabled, right?

what can i do to ensure my drugs are paid for, and delivered to the shelter in a timely fashion?

sincerely,

bent in bytown

Dear Bent,

While I sympathize with your plight, the unpleasant truth we are faced with is that our great nation is currently afflicted with a hateful Conservative government that is intent on furthering your misery and preventing you from achieving dignified access to your medication. I doubt they can be counted on to release the additional funds needed to the Ontario government for home delivery of your essential supplies.

I apologize in advance for forcing you to leave your home and brave the elements, but I think the best course of action you can take is to proceed directly to the doorway of the nearest family restaurant and start injecting your drugs there. This will rile the owner of the restaurant who will be worried that your shooting up in his doorway will hurt his business. Since you have a right to use these government issued needles (they wouldn't give them to you if you weren't supposed to use them, nie?) you can immediately launch a human rights complaint against the owner of the restaurant.

Medical marijuana user and human rights activist Steve Gibson is already doing yeoman work of establishing the precedent of using government supplied drugs and paraphernalia anywhere you please in Ontario, and I would encourage you to follow his upstanding example. When you win your case (and doesn't everyone?), you can use the large cash settlement you've received for mental anguish to have your medication delivered directly to your home.

Ta.

The Scold
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Hostile witness

Dear Scold,

One of my co-workers is a nice lady, but she's also an evangelical Christian and at least once a week she starts "witnessing" to me about Christ and her religion. This makes me very uncomfortable and I'd love for her to stop doing this, but I'm not the confrontational sort. Advice, please?

Not Interested in Ottawa

Dear Not Interested,

You'll be happy to hear that the Canadian government, in its infinite wisdom, has provided an excellent set of tools for use by non-confrontational people who don't like to be made to feel uncomfortable. We call them Human Rights Commissions, and we not only have one federally, but there are provincial versions as well.

Your co-worker wouldn't be a Christian if she wasn't a hateful bigot and I would advise using this against her. The next time she starts shoving her vile religion down your throat, casually ask if her church permits same-sex marriages because you are thinking of marrying your partner. This should set her off. If she flips her lid in front of witnesses or in the form of a written communication, BINGO. You have instant proof of workplace discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and all you need to do is file that all-important complaint with your friendly HRC.

Remember, this system is designed to protect non-confrontational people so you probably won't even have to appear in front of a tribunal. There will be no cost to you for doing this (the system is set up to punish hateful bigots, not you), and you can expect satisfactory results as the tribunals return a nearly perfect conviction rate. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Soon your co-worker will be dismissed from her job, stuck with massive legal bills, and forced to pay you large amounts of money for having the audacity to befoul a pleasant conversation by introducing her church into it. Most important, though, is that you won't have to feel uncomfortable any longer.

Ta.

The Scold
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Praise be upon him

Dear Scold,

I've invented a religion and no one wants to join.

What can I do?

the first prophet zeke

Dear Zeke,

Try beheading a few of the people who have turned you down. This will encourage the others to convert and guarantees that the media will give you a free pass later on when you decide that preteen girls make good wives. Make sure you file human rights complaints against any Christians that try to oppose you. You're guaranteed to win before the HRC tribunals because everyone hates those Freaky Fundies. It's also a great way to raise funds for your new endeavor.

Ta.

The Scold
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The angry vagina

Dear Scold,

I suffer from painful vaginal warts. They hurt so bad today I couldn't concentrate at work. My boss yelled at me for screwing up and he threatened to fire me. I'm too ashamed to see a doctor about this. Can you recommend a cream or something? They really burn.

Oochie Hoochie in Winnipeg

Dear Ms. Hoochie,

Your medical condition is obviously caused by the stress of patriarchal male oppression in your workplace. That, combined with continuous sexual harassment (we can be almost certain of this since there is at least one male in your office and he's unfairly been promoted to a senior position), has caused your vagina to begin rejecting itself.

Please file a complaint with the Manitoba Human Rights Commission right away. I'm sure that your warts will recede once all of your male co-workers have been issued their copy of The Vagina Monologues, forced to sit through daily lunch hour viewings of The Handmaid's Tale, and you have been awarded somewhere upwards of $10,000.00 for mental anguish.

Ta.

The Scold
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Don't lose your head over it

Dear Scold,

Last week my partner and I were buying falafel from a street vendor. When he saw us holding hands he called us unclean pigs and told us that we would each get 74 lashes in the country he came from. What can we do to dispel this kind of hatred and prejudice against same sex couples who commit the crime of showing affection in public?

James in Toronto.

Dear James,

I'm sorry, but I can't help you with this one. Given the facts that the vendor was selling falafel and that he mentioned 74 lashes (a popular punishment for sodomy in Iran), there is a good chance he is a practicing member of the Islamic faith.

While I like to think that all minority groups are special and equal, the plain truth is that his minority group is more special than yours. A very few, radical members of his minority group are easily upset and have been known to commit acts of violence and murder when they are riled. As your minority group, the LGBT community, generally buys new curtains when upset, I'm going to have to side with the Islamists on this issue. I don't want my head cut off.

No hard feelings, I hope?

Ta.

The Scold
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Nuts to you

Dear Scold,

Our daughter is about to start first grade and she has life threataning nut allergies. We have talked to the school and asked them to make our school a nut free zone, but the parent council and the school board both refuse to consider our pleas. What made me really mad was when the parent council singled her out in a newletter sent home to other parents. Now there kids are teasing her about her allergies to.

Upset mom in B.C.

Dear Upset Mom,

It is clearly unreasonable for the parent council and the school board to expect you to take responsibility for the health and the actions of your own child. What do they think this is, the Dark Ages?

Exposing your daughter to ridicule through the newsletter was especially hateful. Worse, this contravenes Section 7 (1.b.) of the B.C. Human Rights Code that states it is unlawful to publish information that, "is likely to expose a person or a group or class of persons to hatred or contempt." I would encourage you immediately file human rights complaints against both the parent council and the school board. Not only have their hateful acts exposed her to discrimination from her fellow students, but have most likely caused her significant mental anguish.

I urge you to file these complaints as quickly as possible.

Ta.

The Scold
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