A man trapped in a woman's prison

Dear Scold

I was partying with a bunch of guys in Tequillaville, sort of running errands for them, picking up supplies and doing a bit of cooking. The Big Cahuna kicked my ass to the sidewalk one day, then he felt sorry for me and gave me 25 grand. I felt bad for him feeling bad for me and invested 10 Gs into his on-line investment business. Next thing I know, I sat at La Cucaracha Palace scratching notches for days in the window bars for 2 years (between beauty pageants and other life threatening events). That was the exact same two years those neo-cons were in power in Ottawa. Am I entitled to $10.5 million from the Canadian government too?

Guadalajara Girl

Dear Guadalajara,

The way I see it, everyone is entitled to $10.5 million from the government, unless they're one of those dirty, Bible thumping neo-cons. Speaking of neo-cons, the bastards are still in power here. I don't think you're going to have an easy time of extracting your just rewards from them.

From watching you on television, I have to say that you look like a man trapped in a woman's body. Gender reassignment through sex change surgery is an option for inmates here in Canada, but you were cruelly denied access to this "medical necessity" while trapped in Mexico's penal system. It's clearly the fault of our government for not making arrangements for you to be returned home for your surgery immediately, and a substantial reward for pain and suffering is obviously your right. I'm thinking that's worth at least ten mil, aren't you?

Start filing human rights complaints NOW! Don't wait until you're paroled -- speed is of the essence.

Have fun with your new penis!

Ta.

The Scold
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Getting face time with the president

Dear Scold

As a former lawyer, I have been hired as a consultant to help develop a creative legal defence for a few employees at the Canadian Human Rights Commission for possible criminal charges. What is the definition of "truth" in Canada? I am also looking for an assistant as my last intern quit saying the work left a bad taste in her mouth. Can you advise?

BJ Clinton

Slickmeister Associates

Whitewater, AR

Dear BJ,

The "truth" is whatever "we" say it is. EVERYONE knows that. How the devil did you get past the hiring committee without meeting any of the fundamental requirements? Oh... Nevermind. We had a female recruiter, didn't we?

The best way to deal with your staffing turnover issue is to soak your Johnson in Scope between interns. They'll thank you for it. The odor of the Scope shouldn't bother Hillary. I doubt she'll be able to smell it over the reek of the formaldehyde your campaign team packs her in between speaking engagements.

Ta.

The Scold
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You can't please everyone

Cher Scold,

That was a piss ass answer about you feeling dizzy and anxious. I was counting on you and now I'm going to sue you too, in the plain and ordinary meaning of the word or in the inuendo, if I can figure out what that means. I suggest you get legal counsel because I'm going to represent myself. I might even sue you in a different language.

Giaco

Dear Giaco,

I don't believe you. If you were really going to launch legal preceedings against me you would have had Faisal Joseph announce it at a press conference with your Osgoode law student representatives present, and then followed it up with articles in all of the national papers. Which you did not do.

Really, Giaco, the protocol is there for a reason.

Ta.

The Scold
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No evidence of the evidence

Dear Scold

At work, we had some private snoop asking a lot of questions about evidence in one of our Human Rights cases. I did a fast snatch in the evidence locker before anyone was the wiser. It turns out this nosey parker submitted an Access to Information and checked the files and found the evidence missing. Now the freaky fundie jerk has published this on the internet. Should I put the evidence back and claim he didn't look carefully or should I do a Broadway play with a pirouette and song ?

Yours truly in song,

Robes Pierre

Dear Pierre,

If it were me, I'd stick a Barney doll holding a "We did not co-exist!" sign in the evidence locker and then hit my speed dial button to ring up a sleazy lawyer. The best defense is a good offense and you need to blindside this twerp with as many lawsuits as possible before he does any more damage. If you can get him entangled in five or more lawsuits you'll financially ruin the jerk and keep him too busy to stick his nose in any more of your business.

About that musical, hey, why not? Let me know if you get it organized, because I'd love to attend (especially if it's LGBT themed). Hopefully it's not Rated R as it would be nice to be able to bring my boyfriend. Gotta be careful what children watch these days -- don't want to corrupt them too fast! ;-)

Ta.

The Scold
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Need advice? E-mail your questions to:
askthescold [at] gmail [dot] com