A man trapped in a woman's prison

Dear Scold

I was partying with a bunch of guys in Tequillaville, sort of running errands for them, picking up supplies and doing a bit of cooking. The Big Cahuna kicked my ass to the sidewalk one day, then he felt sorry for me and gave me 25 grand. I felt bad for him feeling bad for me and invested 10 Gs into his on-line investment business. Next thing I know, I sat at La Cucaracha Palace scratching notches for days in the window bars for 2 years (between beauty pageants and other life threatening events). That was the exact same two years those neo-cons were in power in Ottawa. Am I entitled to $10.5 million from the Canadian government too?

Guadalajara Girl

Dear Guadalajara,

The way I see it, everyone is entitled to $10.5 million from the government, unless they're one of those dirty, Bible thumping neo-cons. Speaking of neo-cons, the bastards are still in power here. I don't think you're going to have an easy time of extracting your just rewards from them.

From watching you on television, I have to say that you look like a man trapped in a woman's body. Gender reassignment through sex change surgery is an option for inmates here in Canada, but you were cruelly denied access to this "medical necessity" while trapped in Mexico's penal system. It's clearly the fault of our government for not making arrangements for you to be returned home for your surgery immediately, and a substantial reward for pain and suffering is obviously your right. I'm thinking that's worth at least ten mil, aren't you?

Start filing human rights complaints NOW! Don't wait until you're paroled -- speed is of the essence.

Have fun with your new penis!

Ta.

The Scold
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Getting face time with the president

Dear Scold

As a former lawyer, I have been hired as a consultant to help develop a creative legal defence for a few employees at the Canadian Human Rights Commission for possible criminal charges. What is the definition of "truth" in Canada? I am also looking for an assistant as my last intern quit saying the work left a bad taste in her mouth. Can you advise?

BJ Clinton

Slickmeister Associates

Whitewater, AR

Dear BJ,

The "truth" is whatever "we" say it is. EVERYONE knows that. How the devil did you get past the hiring committee without meeting any of the fundamental requirements? Oh... Nevermind. We had a female recruiter, didn't we?

The best way to deal with your staffing turnover issue is to soak your Johnson in Scope between interns. They'll thank you for it. The odor of the Scope shouldn't bother Hillary. I doubt she'll be able to smell it over the reek of the formaldehyde your campaign team packs her in between speaking engagements.

Ta.

The Scold
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You can't please everyone

Cher Scold,

That was a piss ass answer about you feeling dizzy and anxious. I was counting on you and now I'm going to sue you too, in the plain and ordinary meaning of the word or in the inuendo, if I can figure out what that means. I suggest you get legal counsel because I'm going to represent myself. I might even sue you in a different language.

Giaco

Dear Giaco,

I don't believe you. If you were really going to launch legal preceedings against me you would have had Faisal Joseph announce it at a press conference with your Osgoode law student representatives present, and then followed it up with articles in all of the national papers. Which you did not do.

Really, Giaco, the protocol is there for a reason.

Ta.

The Scold
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No evidence of the evidence

Dear Scold

At work, we had some private snoop asking a lot of questions about evidence in one of our Human Rights cases. I did a fast snatch in the evidence locker before anyone was the wiser. It turns out this nosey parker submitted an Access to Information and checked the files and found the evidence missing. Now the freaky fundie jerk has published this on the internet. Should I put the evidence back and claim he didn't look carefully or should I do a Broadway play with a pirouette and song ?

Yours truly in song,

Robes Pierre

Dear Pierre,

If it were me, I'd stick a Barney doll holding a "We did not co-exist!" sign in the evidence locker and then hit my speed dial button to ring up a sleazy lawyer. The best defense is a good offense and you need to blindside this twerp with as many lawsuits as possible before he does any more damage. If you can get him entangled in five or more lawsuits you'll financially ruin the jerk and keep him too busy to stick his nose in any more of your business.

About that musical, hey, why not? Let me know if you get it organized, because I'd love to attend (especially if it's LGBT themed). Hopefully it's not Rated R as it would be nice to be able to bring my boyfriend. Gotta be careful what children watch these days -- don't want to corrupt them too fast! ;-)

Ta.

The Scold
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We're not retreating. We're attacking in a different direction.

Dear Scold,

Me and a few of my law school cohorts had a term project go a bit wrong and now we are offering hunda to the Islamophobes at Macleans magazine.

Many of the Islamophobic bloggers are making fun of us and suggesting that we pay the costs of our CHRC complaint and appologize.

Is this not an insult to Islam?

Can we behead them?

Allah Akbar

Socky al Sockpuppet

(PS. We are only asking you because our Imam is hiding under the bed afraid that he will be the next victim of the Islamophobe Steyn next, how do you call it, show tune.)

Dear Socky,

A hudna is probably called for here. Attacking one of Canada's most popular publications was a bit far reaching and you've exposed our agenda more than we're comfortable with. Human rights legislation has been traditionally used to go after employers and marginalized individuals, which is why it has been so successful. Your rash actions have placed the needs of those cannot type, wash their hands, or get an easy labiaplasty at risk.

I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

The Scold says: back off on this one and let it rest for a while. Two years into the future, if political conditions are in your favor, consider ending the hudna with Macleans by descending upon them with a force of 10,000 men.

Ta.

The Scold
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Lending a hand

Dear Scold,

Earlier today, in good faith, I sent a question to you.

You have not answered it.

I have retained counsel.

You are in deep shit.

Love and rockets,

Whatever fake name I used earlier but cannot be arsed to look up at the moment

Dear Whatever,

I could not answer your e-mail because I have no hands. I lost them in a misunderstanding when I was on vacation in Saudi Arabia a few years ago. I can't answer e-mails unless the typist that the CHRC ordered my employer to provide for me is present.

I find your e-mail subjects me to the likelihood of being the object of derision and hatred based on my physical impairment. Please be advised that I have filed human rights complaints against you federally, in B.C., and also in Ontario. I'm going to nail your ass and use the damages I get from the pain and suffering you caused to hire a second fluffer.

Ta.

The Scold
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Pig in a poke

Dear Scold:

We have expanded the pig farm business to have a restaurant along the highway frontage. The health inspector is threatening to shut it down. I have already taken the extraordinary steps of wiping my boots off before serving food, after I slop the pigs. The inspector now wants us to wash up going into the restaurant. The pigs don't like the smell of soap and are squealing something fierce. What should I do ?


Please advise,

Yours truly,

Knee Deep

Dear Knee Deep,

The washing up issue shouldn't be that much of a problem. Just tell the health inspector that you can't wash your hands because you have a skin condition. He'll get the message and back off immediately as non of them make enough to pay the kind of damages a human rights tribunal can award.

No, the more pressing issue is the pigs themselves. They're not halal. Given this country's shifting demographics, I would encourage you to embrace the future and buy a Church's Chicken franchise instead. There's no pork to be found on that menu, which means that your neck, er, business will be safe.

Ta.

The Scold
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There goes the neighborhood

Dear Chord

I moved my family and purchased a new home in an exclusive community to get away from the riff-raff and to have a large enough driveway for the six minivans. Shortly afterwards, a Christian family moved in down the street. You know the old saying: "Let one in and there goes the neighbourhood!". Sure enough a few more Christian families moved in. They are now talking about building a church. The community is now worried about our falling property values, our children's safety, and singing on Sunday mornings. Our Council representative is suggesting we levy a special tax on these people. Will this work?

Victim in Vaughn

Dear Victim,

You have my sympathies. Nobody wants people of that kind of morally questionable character contaminating their neighborhood. Fortunately, Christians are not only of below average intelligence, they're also extremely predictable. That means you need a...

...Gay Pride event! Drive some big pink floats down your street with Dipsy trussed up in a leather bondage harness and Tinky Winky flogging him with a big latex dildo, and, well, you can bet there'll be a righteous stampede right out of the old neighborhood. It's not like the Bible Thumpers can complain to the city about any of the lewd acts rolling past their front windows -- it's a given that the mayor will be the Parade Marshall. And if any of the Christians are stupid enough to complain, drag the dumb buggers before the provincial human rights commission for discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. They'll probably pay out so much in legal fees and damages that they'll lose their homes due to financial distress. Either way, your neighborhood will become a progressive, friendly place once more.

Please send me an update on how this all shakes out.

Ta.

The Scold
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They're damaging my calm

Cher Scold,

A guy with a Jewish sounding last name publicly mocked my testimony before a human rights tribunal. I wasn't feeling well that day and don't see why I should be embarrassed in public over it. So I hit him with a SLAPP suit to shut him up. But he's not shutting up and more people are piling on me including a famous author with a Jewish sounding last name!

How do I shut these people up?!?

Giacomo

Dear Giacomo,

I'd like to answer your question, but I don’t feel very well. I feel dizzy, I feel anxiety, and I am not in a serene state of mind to proceed with this e-mail today. I have a lot of things worrying me right now and I don’t want to elaborate... I am not dying, Giacomo, I don’t have the flu, but I am not mentally capable of answering your question under these circumstances.

Ta.

The Scold
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All you need is love

Dear Scold,

I am a married man whose marriage has lost its spark. My wife and I have been sleeping in separate beds for five years and the only reason we stay together is for the children.

I sort of started shopping around for another mate and wound up dating a much younger girl. We have an incredible chemistry, both in bed and out. The only problem is that I'm old enough to be her father. Well, actually, I AM her father (she's ten) and her mother didn't take the news well (I guess she doesn't like Woody Allen films). I'm currently in the remand center awaiting trial.

I can't bear being separated from my TRUE LOVE. Any suggestions on how to get through this mess and back into the arms of my sweetheart?

Sincerely,

The Pater Familias

Dear Pater Familias,

I'm very sorry to hear of your travails. Intergenerational love is certainly nothing to be ashamed of, our antiquated laws notwithstanding. I'm especially disappointed with your wife. Given how hard it is to find parents who are interested in spending time with their young, you'd think she'd be more understanding.

Anyhoo...

I think we have an exciting opportunity here to establish some new jurisprudence in this area. Remember how it used to be illegal for blacks and whites to marry? Then it was illegal for gays to marry? Heck, even though it's still technically illegal for a man to have multiple wives, if you live in Ontario and you belong to the Ummah, well, just pick up an assistance cheque for each. So the government really sort of approves.

I suggest you immediately have your lawyer file human rights complaints on your behalf against your wife and the police. The legal precedent has clearly been established that all you need is love if you're gay or Muslim, but a horrible bias is being demonstrated against intergenerational relationships. Your opponents may argue that children are too young to make decisions about sex, but then why are we teaching grade threes about fisting and punishing grade ones for sexual harrassment? Sex isn't a spectator sport. If they know what it is then they're ready for some action, and the government must think so or they wouldn't be doing all this.

I look forward to the inevitable successful ruling on your complaints. I think it's really exciting that we can use your misfortune to finally extend full rights to children and make them our equals.

Ta.

The Scold
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The ultimate home business

Dear Scold

I'm in a quandary. I am a sales agent representing a number of large corporations. One of my customers is your government. During a meeting in a hotel room, I forgot a briefcase of cash as I became so excited about the potential sale of some planes. I never got the sale for the planes and I want to get my money back, but the guy now claims it was consulting fees for some spaghetti testing carnival. I am told I have to go to Germany and file my claim. I have made other commitments to invest in the new UN oil-for-grains-and-rice program, and need my money for key advertising and promotion. I am also in the process of quickly moving and consolidating my business operations to Bolivia. Germany just doesn't fit into my plans. Please help.

Grounded in Toronto

Dear Grounded,

This sounds like a rather onerous way to make a living. Why not just file human rights complaints like everyone else? All it takes is a bit of trolling on Web sites owned by people you don't like followed by five minutes of paperwork. You don't even have to show up during the process so it's the ultimate work from home job.

Given how easy and profitable this is, I can't understand why you'd go to all this effort of reclaiming money from your old business partner. Besides, the money is probably long gone. I bet he used it to buy more shoes for his wife.

Ta.

The Scold
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A stone's throw away

Dear Scold

My husband and I recent transferred to the middle east to work on a new CBC sitcom, called "Everybody Loves Sharia". Things have been going very well here and just recently we were invited to our first stoning. It's for a nice lady down the street. Hubby has been asked to do the video footage and we are very excited. My problem is that I haven't thrown anything really since my Berkley days in the 70's when we hurled eggs at the returning US imperials pig soldiers. Is slo-pitch acceptable or should I avoid the embarrassment of missing and serve baked sweets to the men instead ?

Yappin' in Yemen.

Dear Yappin',

Serving sweets sounds like a good plan, but make sure that your husband or another male relative is present when you interact with the other males at the stoning. Failure to do this could result in you inadvertently appearing in the follow-up episode with everyone else using you to practice slo-pitch.

Ta.

The Scold
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Hiding in plain sight

Dear Scold

I am a secret operative with my country's national defense. My job has been to provide intel on activities of the Enemies of the State. Recently, the blogspots have been blocked by our Human Resources people to shield us from all that hate speech.

Who am I supposed to investigate now? How can I post comments to evaluate potential thought crimes of the State's enemies? How will I investigate operatives from other departments who are posting on blogs? How will I investigate the best shopping deals on T-Shirts, these enemies are talking about? Is there a way government employees can access the internet without going through the department's IP router system? Is there a way I can hide my tracks ?

If I have to get up from my desk and go out and actually meet people, what is the proper protocol for padding my expense account?

Secretly,

[name cloaked]
Logged IP: 70.48.181.203

Dear Ms. Hechme,

The best way to circumvent the blogspot prohibition is to [redacted]. You'll find this [redacted] your routers and you [redacted] for [redacted]. Unsecured wireless access points are [redacted] when your notebook computer is properly configured.

Now, I would never advise padding one's government expense account. That's highly improper and gives the general public the wrong idea about civil servants. That being said, there's nothing technically wrong with supplementing your expense account with additional income. This best done by [redacted] Italian restaurants [redacted] brown paper envelopes. Please contact your local Liberal Party of Canada riding association if you need detailed instructions.

Ta.

The Scold
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Whip it! Whip it good!

Dear Scold

You have been referred to me as being a preeminent marriage counselor.

I have an on-going problem with my three wives. I bought each of them the same niquab in a lovely shade of Camel Dung Brown, which is just the most "in" color this year. Wife number 1 complained that she had seniority and didn't want to wear the same outfit as #2 and #3. Wife #1 has only borne me girls, whereas wife #2 gave me my first boy. To make them all happy, I bought #2 a nice Hamas Green niquab and #3 who is still barren, an off white one. Wife #1 is complaining now that the Camel Dung Brown doesn't match her eyes, which are a lovely hazelnut, and that her friends will ridicule her for poor taste in dress. No one is carrying hazelnut niquabs this year. The dress consultants say the color is passé. My brother hasn't had a chance to pull the cord on his suicide vest yet, so black niquabs, the universal color, is still a no-no.

You should hear them bitch walking 20 feet behind me when we go out. My friends are starting to whisper that I have become too accommodating and that soon I'll let them out with just a skimpy hijab. I try to be fair, but I can't seem to win.

Praying ten times daily for your divine guidance,

Bitched Out
Damascus Street
Detroit, MI

Dear Bitched Out,

How do you say "whipped" in Arabic? Does Surah 6-34 ring a bell? Allah made you stronger than women and placed you over them. Try to remember this and act accordingly in the future.

Easy solution: Tie the cord on your brother's vest to a fifty dollar bill and point the wives at it. If you have any wives left afterwards, buy them black hijabs. A few "light" beatings (Surah 6-34 again) wouldn't be out of place, either.

Ta.

The Scold
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Making the grade

Most knowledgeable Mr. Scold

My oldest son, Malik, is ready to enter higher learning. We sent him back home to stay with family while he earned his high school diploma. He has practiced every grade at least twice and we are proud of his preparation efforts. He has his heart set on a career in nuclear science. Malik has focused his studies on the number zero and can tell you more about it than any of the teachers that have tutored him so far. He uses analogies to demonstrate his theorems to assist the unbelievers in understanding. For example, he adds it just like the value he has contributed to this world; Mailk subtracts it just like his loss to the world would be; He multiplies it and demonstrates the net product he will give to science. Malik is still struggling a bit with the division analogy, but thinks he may trip over it some day.

With this kind of natural talent, shouldn't he consider a career teaching in the public school system?

Praise be upon your advice,

Sewer of Seeds in Loverna, Sask

Dear Seeds,

Your son definitely has the potential to become a public school teacher, but it's important to remember that public education has become a transgressive occupation where heteronormative peccadilloes such as "academic achievement" have (thankfully!) taken a back seat to an individual's minority credentials, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, and political affiliations.

When your son is applying for his first public teaching job please encourage him to emphasize the following in his resume and cover letter:

- LGBT/transgendered status
- Minority group affiliations
- Number of years as a member of the NDP/Green Party
- Languages spoken (MUST include French!)
- Skin colour
- Physical/mental/emotional disabilities (MUST have at least one)
- Notable experiences as a victim of the white male majority

The best of luck to your son in his job quest. I'm sure he'll continue his tradition of adding value wherever he goes.

Ta.

The Scold
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Cutting the cheese

Dear Scold,

I have bought a Halaal goat soup franchises for the county fair. The unveiled woman next to me is selling Danish cheese. Doesn't she have a duty to accomodate me and stop. If she doesn't, can I torch her car ?

Blessed Herdsman

Dear Herdsman,

I don't think you can file a human rights complaint against someone for being Danish here in Canada. Not yet, anyhow. I would chat her up and see if she has a Jewish sounding last name like "Levant" or "Steyn". If she does, fire up your fax machine. So far as I know it's considered perfectly acceptable to file any sort of human rights complaint -- no matter how groundless -- against people with Jewish sounding last names. This might make her stop selling her cheese next to you and is preferable to resorting to violence.

In the event violence becomes unavoidable for cultural or religious reasons, please don't torch her car unless you buy some carbon credits beforehand. Canada is doing a horrible job of meeting its Kyoto targets and the reckless release of more carbon into the Earth's atmosphere through an act of vandalism would only compound the issue. While I would NEVER suggest that one individual should harm another, and would indeed counsel you NOT to take this path, it should be noted that beheading someone is much less damaging to the environment than burning their vehicle.

Ta.

The Scold
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